It might be time to shut-up.

Recently, I lost a very dear friend. Not through death, although it feels like it, but through a horrible misunderstanding. Our definitions of what it means to be a friend are vastly different. So different, in fact, that it could not be overcome. Where I am struggling most is in my codependent need to understand it. I have the false sense that if I understand it then everything will be okay. This “need” to understand, results in an almost obsessive urge to talk it out…over and over. This is not productive and is just a way of acting out for the codependent. We convince ourselves that if we can just ask “why” one more time or if we can just explain our boundaries a little more clearly once again, then the other person will get it. Well, the truth is sometimes things don’t work out how we planned, people don’t always do what we want them to, and some people are never going to get it. When no amount of talking or asking is going to change things or increase understanding, it might be time to shut-up.

At some point during my recovery, I read somewhere that if you ask for something three times and don’t get it you are now just negotiating with yourself. A light bulb went on in my head! This is exactly what I was doing; talking and talking, asking and asking, while the person across from me is nodding and nodding but not ever agreeing. Negotiating with myself was a form of self-abuse and was totally in my power to stop. It was time to shut-up. Now if I find myself asking or talking about issues more than a couple of times I know I need to change tactics. I must stop talking and accept that the other person is not going to change and learn how to live with that, or decide that it is unacceptable and make a change myself.

The change I needed to make regarding my friend was not an easy one. It has caused me great heartache. Through this I have been reminded that recovery is a process and never ending. I hope I never have to make a change this painful again but if I do, I know I am equipped and with God’s help I am able.