It might be time to shut-up.

Recently, I lost a very dear friend. Not through death, although it feels like it, but through a horrible misunderstanding. Our definitions of what it means to be a friend are vastly different. So different, in fact, that it could not be overcome. Where I am struggling most is in my codependent need to understand it. I have the false sense that if I understand it then everything will be okay. This “need” to understand, results in an almost obsessive urge to talk it out…over and over. This is not productive and is just a way of acting out for the codependent. We convince ourselves that if we can just ask “why” one more time or if we can just explain our boundaries a little more clearly once again, then the other person will get it. Well, the truth is sometimes things don’t work out how we planned, people don’t always do what we want them to, and some people are never going to get it. When no amount of talking or asking is going to change things or increase understanding, it might be time to shut-up.

At some point during my recovery, I read somewhere that if you ask for something three times and don’t get it you are now just negotiating with yourself. A light bulb went on in my head! This is exactly what I was doing; talking and talking, asking and asking, while the person across from me is nodding and nodding but not ever agreeing. Negotiating with myself was a form of self-abuse and was totally in my power to stop. It was time to shut-up. Now if I find myself asking or talking about issues more than a couple of times I know I need to change tactics. I must stop talking and accept that the other person is not going to change and learn how to live with that, or decide that it is unacceptable and make a change myself.

The change I needed to make regarding my friend was not an easy one. It has caused me great heartache. Through this I have been reminded that recovery is a process and never ending. I hope I never have to make a change this painful again but if I do, I know I am equipped and with God’s help I am able.

We're Foodies

We’re foodies. What is a foodie you ask? American Heritage dictionary defines it as “someone who has an ardent or refined interest in food.” Our taste is not refined by any stretch of the imagination (we get very excited by really good chili cheese fries) but it is ardent for sure. Being foodies we are very intrigued by the Food Network, especially a show called Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. The host, Guy Fieri, travels around the country, in a really cool car, checking out the most hole-in-the-wall places for really great food. We love this show.

A couple of months ago an episode aired about the Tee off Bar and Grill in San Francisco. We knew we had to drive the hour it takes to get up to the City (Bay Area people do not call it Frisco, just saying) to check it out.

I’m not going to lie; the place is a dump. It is the diviest place I have ever been in. It needs a good cleaning and the décor is…well strange. The ladies’ room door doesn’t really close and there were three flies that seemed to think the middle of the bar was their own personal flight pattern. They flew in a circle there the whole time. I felt like I needed antibacterial after touching anything, but the food…it was great! We all agreed to order different things so that we could try lots. We ordered all the things featured on the show, the pork chop, mac and cheese and the pulled pork, plus the Italian sausage burger and an order of hot wings. It all looked just like how it looked on the show and tasted fabulous. On our way out, the bartender asked us if it lived up to all the hype. It did. The next time I go to the Tee off Bar and Grill I am going to order the beer battered mushrooms and the kangaroo. Yup, you heard me, kangaroo.

Happy Easter!

Good Friday

Incredible Good Friday message by Dave Tieche from Family Community Church.

The cure for nagging.

I used to be a nag.  It wasn’t my fault.  Son #1 made me do it.  There was no amount of grounding or punishing to get him to do what I wanted him to do, so I nagged.  I know the logic seems weak, but if you are a mother of a strong willed child and codependent, you know what I mean.  Nagging is the only answer.

My Celebrate Recovery group didn’t share the same opinion about my nagging.  They seemed to think it might actually be MY issue.  They obviously did not know Son #1.  Our leader suggested imposing a consequence on ourselves for unwanted behavior.  Hers was no Starbucks for a week.  I was going to have to give this some serious thought.  What in the world could I restrict myself from?  I could not think of a thing…until I opened my closet. There, standing at attention in front of me, was my answer.  Shoes!

When my inevitable slip occurred I was not to buy new shoes for one month. I have to admit this did not seem too hard.  I buy a lot of shoes, but a one-month restriction seemed a bit soft even to me…until the unthinkable happened.

I left to visit my parents and I forgot my shoes. Some people stick a couple of pairs of shoes in their suitcase when they travel.  I have a whole bag for the shoes.   This trip I forgot the shoe bag.  First, I told myself that I could buy new ones because the restriction was not meant to be enforced during emergencies.   I had a party to go to; if that wasn’t an emergency, what was!  But after feeling a little convicted about my frivolous definition of “emergency” I concluded I could not go buy shoes.  I borrowed a very nice, sensible pair of pumps from my mom.  I don’t think they could be considered “old lady” shoes, but nobody was going to be having back problems in those shoes that’s for sure.   I got the point.  I would not need to be reprimanded for this behavior again.

As much as I wanted to pretend my nagging was someone else’s fault and blame him for it.  I was completely responsible.  No one was making me do it and I needed a spanking.  I am thankful for all the “spankings” that God has given me but I’d rather do it myself before it gets that serious.  If a few less shopping trips is all it takes, I say bring on the old lady pumps.

The Nail Lady's Eulogy.

Today, I went to a funeral.  Not my most favorite thing to do on a Saturday afternoon, but I have learned over the years that if you pay attention you can get some great life lessons from funerals.  This was a “happy” funeral in that the deceased lived a full life, was loved by many and professed Christ as her savior so we know where she is now.

Elizabeth could be and was described as a force of nature.  She was a small woman that never went unnoticed.  Her boss, my husband, has described her as a Diva, which is fitting since she once was invited to sing for San Francisco Opera.  But the thing that amazed me most was her nail lady showed up.   That’s right…her nail lady!  Nail lady, Debbie, stood up and shared, in very broken English, how Elizabeth had touched her life and the lives of her other customers.

Who of you can say that your nail lady, the guy who cuts your hair, or your mailman, would come to your funeral let alone speak at it?  Mine wouldn’t.  I’ll admit that sometimes I act like I cannot fit one more person into my life unless someone dies and makes room.

I believe that Elizabeth’s gregarious way of approaching life is a gift that I don’t have, but I really think I could learn to be more like her.  It might take a while but I am certain that with a lot of practice I could do it.  It just so happens that it is almost sandal season and I could use a pedicure or ten.

What are we waiting for San Jose!

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.

You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,

that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

 Psalm 30:11-12

It is never a good idea...until it is.

While chatting with a few homeschooling colleagues today at work, I was reminded of how absolute homeschoolers can be.  It is ok that I say this because I once was a homeschooler.  I know what you're thinking and you are right!  A homeschooler AND codependent…a very deadly combination.  I’ll get back to that another time.

This specific conversation was about technology and progress.  The questions thrown out for discussion were: is there good in it and if so, is the good worth the unintended consequences?  An absolute “NO” was the resounding opinion.  It made me chuckle considering the recent turn of events at my house.

There was a time, when my boys were young, that we had almost no TV channels.  We were taking some kind of moral stand against cable.  I would proudly announce, every chance I got that WE had no cable.  I am pretty sure I said it with a voice and facial expression that communicated clearly that I thought I was all that and a bag of chips. Eventually the Summer Olympics rolled around and we told ourselves we would subscribe to cable just for the month and then no one ever bothered to cancel it. 

I have also been an emphatic non-believer of TV in the bedroom.  I deemed it isolating and was sure no good could come of it, THE END…until this week.   It became clear that my son, his wife and their adorable baby daughter would be staying with us longer than first anticipated and the baby needed to be in her own room now.  My husband graciously gave up his office and therefore his personal sanctuary and retreat.  This sacrifice that he was making made my brain shift into overdrive.   EUREKA!  I had it!  The biggest flat screen TV possible in the bedroom was the answer.  During a romantic birthday dinner last weekend, I told him of my fabulous plan.  He was dumfounded.  A cautious smile started to appear on his lips.  He was obviously nervous to get too excited in case this was one of my snarky jokes.   As the realization that I was not joking came over him he became giddy.   Yep, he agreed.  My plan was brilliant and I was the best wife EVER.

After consulting with the techie son and doing some research, the right TV was decided upon.  A date with same son last night to purchased said TV resulted in two grown men acting like five year olds with new Lego sets.   I now have a TV spanning the length of my dresser in my bedroom. There is no room to put anything other than the TV on the dresser, it covers the whole mirror and I am the best wife in the world.   Will it be isolating? Heck yeah!  We need a little isolation in this 1200 square foot house with 4 adults, a baby and a Yorkie.  Will good come of it?  I’m thinking yes...I’ll let you know ;-)

Hello, my name is Rapunzel and I am codependent.

It is just me or is Disney’s newest princess movie the most codependent Disney movie ever?  Now, I love a good princess movie as much as the next girl but come on.   Not only does Tangled’s golden-tressed heroine change a thief and a scoundrel into a fellow worthy of marrying a princess, but she is also able to change a whole biker bar of scoundrels into sensitive gentlemen, in touch with their feminine sides, just by singing and dancing with them for about four minutes.

Why is this “pick the bad boy and change him into a good guy” scenario so enticing when we all know it doesn’t work.  Millions have tried but I have yet to hear of a success story.  I have never seen any man turn into a good guy from any amount of love, encouragement, support, shaping, reminding, or nagging.  Not even crying works after the first few times. Let’s face it, if you are human you cannot turn spots into stripes.  Trust me I know, I tried for 25 years.

But the good news is God can…and does!  2 Corinthians 5:17 says that we all can become new creatures in Christ.  What a relief!  I no longer have to be everything to all people in order for things to work out.  God has it covered.

So here’s my advice to you.  (Codependent people often give unsolicited advice but this is different because mine is really good.)

1. If you took your daughter to see Tangled do not be surprised when she brings home Creeper, the local high school drop out that is going to become a famous rapper right after he gets the rest of his body pierced, because she just knows that deep down he is an awesome guy.  I might be overstating the situation here but then again maybe not.

2. Let God do his work on the guy you have your eye on before marrying him.  Always know that you are a precious child of God and anyone should have to seek Him in order to get to you.

3.  If you are going to traipse through the forest with Flynn the scoundrel, wear some cute shoes.  Everyone knows that real princesses wear cute shoes, for crying out loud. Sheesh!

My whole life in a nutshell...a really small nutshell.

My earliest memory of ”people pleasing” is age two and three quarters.  As we were waiting for my mom to give birth, my dad asked me if I wanted a baby sister or brother.  When I answered “a baby sister,” he asked the question again.  I again answered “a baby sister.”  After he repeated the question for a third time, I assumed I was getting the answer wrong and changed it to “a baby brother.”  This seemed to satisfy him and he quit asking.  In reality, I think he may just have been having a hard time hearing and understanding me but my choice to change my  “want” to match his before the age of three astounds me.

This mousy personality continued into high school until finally I decided enough was enough.  It was in the ninth grade that I set out to find out what I wanted and what I liked.   I might have taken this too far when I eventually started telling everyone else how to live their lives too, but after all, they probably needed me too ;-)

Now, I work daily on finding the balance needed to be healthy and to maintain healthy relationships.  Recently I found myself acting codependent in a relationship for four days.  This is a far cry from the 20+ years I approached life like this in the past.  Most days I find the balance and every so often I don’t, but everyday I thank God for the miracle He has worked in my life and the husband he has given me who allows me to keep 50+ pairs of shoes.