There is no doubt...Love Hurts.

Recently I was reading some articles relating to homeschooling that used the term “guard your heart.”  I forgot about this term that was so freely thrown around in homeschool circles years ago and was reminded how odd I always thought it was.

The “guarding your heart” philosophy was used to describe how a single person should interact with the opposite sex.  Guard your heart and you are saving what belongs only to your future spouse.  Guard your heart, don’t get too close, until you are sure of God’s will and then you will not get hurt.  Protect yourself from people. 

  Sounds like a good idea, the only problem is it is not biblical.  The verse that uses this phrase (Proverbs 4:23) is talking about guarding ourselves from sin, not people.  The fact of the matter is that we are called to love and love hard.  In doing so, we will get hurt.  Being vulnerable with people can lead to a great supportive relationship, or we can be left humiliated and devastated.  It is normal and healthy to experience both in ones lifetime many times over.  I love C.S. Lewis’ thoughts on the subject.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

My heart has been broken many times over by the very people I love the most.  The people who know me best have the ability to wound me the deepest.  There is no amount of heart guarding that can prevent this from happening.  If you never “fall in love” with any one other than your spouse, your heart still will be broken.  People are not perfect and they sin.  This will break your heart.  People are not immune and they suffer both mentally and physically.  This will break your heart.  People are not immortal and they die.  This will break your heart.

What matters is how you decided to deal with the broken heart you will inevitably have.  For years my marriage was very painful and I chose to close myself off from the pain. My heart became a little hard knot.  In trying to protect myself from the pain, I became unable to love.  I became harsh and critical.  In recovery I learned I did not have to protect myself, or be guarded.  I just needed to accept things how they were and quit trying to change everything and everyone.  In doing so, my heart slowly thawed and became big and fluffy, bigger and fluffier than ever before... just like the Grinch’s.   I might conclude that a relationship is not healthy for me and decide to end it or take a break from it but I no longer close myself off because of it.  I accept the pain that I am feeling and do not try to hurry up and make it go away by hardening my heart.  I have learned that embracing the pain, instead of denying it, causes growth and an ability to love even more and better in the future. 

In regards to sin, then yes we should guard our heart but in regards to people the Bible is clear.

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 

Trust Trumps Love

I had an epiphany this week. I am not really sure what an epiphany is but I am pretty sure I had one. I realized that it is okay that I have never felt unloved by God. I actually don’t really get it when people say they have never felt loved, not even by God. What makes them so much more unworthy than the rest of us that God would not love them? So what part of me grasps onto God for dear life and causes me to cry out “Abba Father” if it is not the part that needs to be loved?

(Here is where the epiphany comes in)

It is the part that needs to trust. I have never doubted that I am loved by the people around me. But these same people have hurt me deeply because they were not trustworthy at some point or another. When addiction is a part of your life there may be love but there is little trust. There is an old recovery joke that says how do you know when an addict is lying…when their lips are moving. When I finally realized God was the trustworthy One, I could finally rest and turn control of my life over to Him.

It is trust that I crave and truth breeds trust and God is Truth. He is the best kind of truth. Not the harsh kind of truth that I tend to dish out. Not the “good parts only” kind of truth that flatters and is usually used to further an agenda, but the best kind of truth. The kind that helps me see my strengths and how they can be used and gently points out my sin and character flaws in order to correct them. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for God’s love but if I had to choose, I would choose trust. In the Rochambeau game of life, trust trumps love every time in my book.

I am unworthy and 100% untrustworthy but God keeps his promises to me anyway. I am unlovable for sure and still God has my whole life planned out and under control. I love Truth and I am certain, with every fiber of my being, that He loves me.