I had an epiphany this week. I am not really sure what an epiphany is but I am pretty sure I had one. I realized that it is okay that I have never felt unloved by God. I actually don’t really get it when people say they have never felt loved, not even by God. What makes them so much more unworthy than the rest of us that God would not love them? So what part of me grasps onto God for dear life and causes me to cry out “Abba Father” if it is not the part that needs to be loved?
(Here is where the epiphany comes in)
It is the part that needs to trust. I have never doubted that I am loved by the people around me. But these same people have hurt me deeply because they were not trustworthy at some point or another. When addiction is a part of your life there may be love but there is little trust. There is an old recovery joke that says how do you know when an addict is lying…when their lips are moving. When I finally realized God was the trustworthy One, I could finally rest and turn control of my life over to Him.
It is trust that I crave and truth breeds trust and God is Truth. He is the best kind of truth. Not the harsh kind of truth that I tend to dish out. Not the “good parts only” kind of truth that flatters and is usually used to further an agenda, but the best kind of truth. The kind that helps me see my strengths and how they can be used and gently points out my sin and character flaws in order to correct them. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for God’s love but if I had to choose, I would choose trust. In the Rochambeau game of life, trust trumps love every time in my book.
I am unworthy and 100% untrustworthy but God keeps his promises to me anyway. I am unlovable for sure and still God has my whole life planned out and under control. I love Truth and I am certain, with every fiber of my being, that He loves me.
