There is no doubt...Love Hurts.

Recently I was reading some articles relating to homeschooling that used the term “guard your heart.”  I forgot about this term that was so freely thrown around in homeschool circles years ago and was reminded how odd I always thought it was.

The “guarding your heart” philosophy was used to describe how a single person should interact with the opposite sex.  Guard your heart and you are saving what belongs only to your future spouse.  Guard your heart, don’t get too close, until you are sure of God’s will and then you will not get hurt.  Protect yourself from people. 

  Sounds like a good idea, the only problem is it is not biblical.  The verse that uses this phrase (Proverbs 4:23) is talking about guarding ourselves from sin, not people.  The fact of the matter is that we are called to love and love hard.  In doing so, we will get hurt.  Being vulnerable with people can lead to a great supportive relationship, or we can be left humiliated and devastated.  It is normal and healthy to experience both in ones lifetime many times over.  I love C.S. Lewis’ thoughts on the subject.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

My heart has been broken many times over by the very people I love the most.  The people who know me best have the ability to wound me the deepest.  There is no amount of heart guarding that can prevent this from happening.  If you never “fall in love” with any one other than your spouse, your heart still will be broken.  People are not perfect and they sin.  This will break your heart.  People are not immune and they suffer both mentally and physically.  This will break your heart.  People are not immortal and they die.  This will break your heart.

What matters is how you decided to deal with the broken heart you will inevitably have.  For years my marriage was very painful and I chose to close myself off from the pain. My heart became a little hard knot.  In trying to protect myself from the pain, I became unable to love.  I became harsh and critical.  In recovery I learned I did not have to protect myself, or be guarded.  I just needed to accept things how they were and quit trying to change everything and everyone.  In doing so, my heart slowly thawed and became big and fluffy, bigger and fluffier than ever before... just like the Grinch’s.   I might conclude that a relationship is not healthy for me and decide to end it or take a break from it but I no longer close myself off because of it.  I accept the pain that I am feeling and do not try to hurry up and make it go away by hardening my heart.  I have learned that embracing the pain, instead of denying it, causes growth and an ability to love even more and better in the future. 

In regards to sin, then yes we should guard our heart but in regards to people the Bible is clear.

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 

Flaming Marshmallows and Other Warnings.

I recently lost my sanity and invited two 4^th grade math classes over for a hot dog roast.  I actually do this on a regular basis and it occurred to me that a similar dynamic happens every time.  Even though we have spent a whole school year together and are very familiar with one another at school, they enter my house very tentatively.  They sort of hide behind their parents for a little bit and have to be coaxed into playing one of the games at first.  Soon they start warming up and the fun begins.  We have a great time for a few hours and then it starts to break down.  They forget themselves and their manners and start literally climbing the furniture and the trees.  Flaming marshmallows start getting flung around and just before disaster happens their parents show up.  Their parents’ presence reminds them of what is considered acceptable and right.  The main governing force in their lives brings them back to a place of healthy and good behavior immediately.

It struck me that this same dynamic can be seen in recovery over and over.  We come to Celebrate Recovery very tentative and scared.  We are fearful to admit we have a problem, we are fearful that we might not fit in and we are fearful about not knowing anyone there.  Soon, however, we meet great people whom we can identify with and realize that we do indeed have issues that need working on.  We start meeting with a small open share group, join a 12 step study and start working the program.  We might even start volunteering to help with the details of running the ministry and soon we have fellowship with people like us, often for the first time in our lives.  But inevitably, we reach a point were we tend to forget ourselves and why we are there and we stop working the program.  We don’t call people like we used to, we quit journaling and examining ourselves on a daily basis.  The difference between the 4^th grade math party and CR is that no one is coming just before the disaster happens.  There is no parent that is coming to tell us to knock it off, or to hold our hand when we are getting a little out of control.  We are now grown up and must do this for ourselves.  We must not believe the lie that we are “cured” and are done with all that recovery stuff now.  We must parent ourselves and require ourselves to do what is right and healthy even when we don’t want to.

I love a party as much as the next person, whether it’s with 4^th graders or my CR friends.  It is true, the fellowship of CR makes it easy to go but it is the constant work that makes life better for me and for those around me.  And when you come over to roast marshmallows I promise I won’t fling one at you.  This is the one area that I think I really am cured.